Beyond the Doubt

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Jesus, give me boat shoes!

I spoke with my godly mother-in-law today. She shared with me that we are in a walking on the water season – we need to keep our eyes on Jesus and not the water, though we may feel ourselves sinking. And boy is she right! This process – oy, it is terrifying. Just this morning, as my two-year-old son clung to me, I doubted. I doubted my ability to leave my sweet boy for the two trips that I will be taking to Ukraine for this adoption. He is in a season where he is very clinging to Mommy, and my day stops when my sweet boy calls out for some Mommy love.

After breakfast, I put on the news to learn of the 270+ people who have been killed in the earthquake in Italy (Jesus, hold them near) and I am stricken with fear again. What if something like that happens while I am in Ukraine? Then my heart goes into thinking of all the things that could go wrong while I am in Ukraine that will be out of my control; and, once again, I am covered in fear.

Brave. When we first started this adoption journey, I was afraid of flying to Ukraine by myself. I was born in Germany (Air Force brat) and lived in Korea as a child. My family has lived in Germany twice – with many flights back and forth from America to Europe. And still. I have a fear of flying.

Brave. God struck me with this word. These incredible orphans have boarded a plan with virtual strangers and flown all the way to a new country where they do not speak the language. These orphans have been brave enough to come to us – it is time for me to be mama bear and be brave enough to bring them home.

Doubt. Y’all – I am a hot mess. A. Hot. Mess. Anything that I do that is good and right – it is completely God’s grace and goodness in my life, period. God surely could choose much better parents for this journey … but we said yes, and sometimes I think all that matters is our willingness over our ability.

So I am at the dentist, and it hits me – 12 dentist appointments. 12 children to brush, floss, and mouthwash twice a day. 12 children with possible cavities – and me feeling like the worst parent on the planet! 12 children who may need braces. Again, the inward struggle creeps up. If we do not adopt these precious ones, we can go on with our “normal” life – even though having six children these days is pretty abnormal. But my heart cries out the truth – though our lives will be perfectly fine if we choose to not adopt these children … but what about them? Isn’t the lives of six children worth some bit of inconvenience and sacrifice? At the end of the day, I know – I know that these children will always be a far greater blessing to our family than they will be a challenge. They have already begun to make us better parents – as they have made me realize that being a mom is a very special role with great value, better Christians – as we have spent more time before the Father than we ever have and we appreciate His sacrifice to adopt us so much deeper than ever before, and better people – realizing how ridiculously blessed and wealthy we are … and yet so completely spoiled.

Resolved. So while there are very real fears and very real doubts … at the end is truth and love. The truth is, they are worth it. Every scary moment, every frustration, every cost – they are worth it. To be able to hold them and call them our own, to give them a name and a home and love – they are worth it. Jesus – He sacrificed it all for us. He could have been the king of this world, His every desire fulfilled. Or He could have chosen to not even come to the earth at all – He could have stayed in His comfort zone, life as He always knew it to be. But He chose us. He saw us. He knew the truth that He could live His life as normal and been fine – but what about us? Without Him we would be hopeless, helpless to save ourselves. Abandoned by the law that could not sustain us. Broken in a world we were not made for and destined to spend eternity apart from the God who so deeply loves us. So He came. Humbly He came, as a child – poor and lowly. And He gave. He gave His life that could have been lived in peace and comfort – He lived it in purity and sanctity to God – perfect. He offered His very last breath to give us life. The greatest price was paid by Jesus so that we could be adopted – rescued and beloved – chosen, pursued, loved and cherished.

So here we are. We will sacrifice. We will pay the cost. We will come to their rescue. We will deny ourselves and offer all that we have – because we know their end and we know that we can bring them freedom. Chosen, pursued, loved and cherished.

Because He first loved us.

– C


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